three months away

i've been trying to convince myself for the past 7 days that i am ok. i kinda' lost it during the start of the week. the sadness i feel is just so immense that my body couldn't handle it, resorting to missing 7 meals and not sleeping for 4 straight days. good thing, friday was different because of three things: joy's 1-year-old nephew, brett; chatting with a guy whom i thought i can never had a decent conversation with, and dawson's creek dvds.

kids really have this good effect on me. they really brighten me up. i remember him finding it endearing about me, that i have this soft spot for kids. seeing them smile or just running around is an instant adrenalin rush. i just can't help myself not to say hi, play and talk to them. brett was a bit of a challenge. he had this cute snobbish way of avoiding me, hehe. so i did not give up. persistent me got a hug and a kiss at the end of the day :)

i've spent the past 2 days watching dawson's creek episodes. i'm done with the first season, and will be continuing with episode 15 later. it has been 9 years since the show aired. i remember writing about it because the show was such a big part of me when i was growing up. the dvd's only up to the third season.

may's starting this week. then june will come, and then july. another year will be added to my dear life. it's just weird that every year, i have this ritual of finding a gift for my self. now, i don't really know what i want. sorry if i am being my cynical self again. maybe i had just been wanting one thing for months so badly, and given the things that had happen, i can never really have it. i can never really have it back.

i know i just can't.