this is the last time

i may not be in a conducive state to blog right now, but i really just want to let this all out. actually i've been wanting too since yesterday. a lot of things have been going through my head for the more than a month. more than a month. i can't believe that it has been more than a month already.

i started my day listening to dashboard confessional. well actually, i've been longing to engrossed myself to silence, but our neighbor's karaoke session started so early yesterday. it was really annoying. so i blasted my stereo with the swiss army romance and the rest of chris carraba's emotional music box.

have you ever wished you never wake up the next day the rays of the sun touched your face? i did. this sadness is just so consuming. i've been trying and trying and trying to convince and teach myself to be happy, to be positive and to embody good vibes for the past weeks. but i don't want to lie to myself. it's still there. sadness is still there. my heart still stings. and it's getting numb almost everyday.

it's a mixed feeling; being still in love and being hurt at the same time. it makes me want to vomit. it makes me want to scream. another thing that's hard about all this is letting go of a friend. i don't really have a lot of friends. people see me as a friendly, approachable person. that i have a lot of friends. but the truth is, i'm standing in a crowd where nobody knows me. i meet them eye to eye, i know their name, they know my name, and that's it. i have one best friend whom i've been trying to reach for a couple of weeks now, but she's busy. i'm not mad or anything. i perfectly understand that there are far more important things that she needs to sort out these days instead of listening to my laments. i miss her deeply. i badly need a hug right now.

i decided to declare a war. and i am not expecting white flags to be raised. it hurts that i came to this decision that i am in regret every minute. he was a dear friend to me. he was a good friend before any of this happened. but i just cannot be friends with him at this point. yes, it is immature. it is lame, since i am the only one who wants this (or maybe he does, too. i really don't know).

pero nasaktan talaga ako eh.

he apologized. he once wanted to take away the pain that i am feeling and for me to be me again. the sunny, happy me again. i find it quite amusing that he asked me what's still hurting me. i wanted to ask him if this is the first time he broke someone's heart because his query is just surprisingly silly. silly to the point of me thinking that he sees this all as a joke. me being hurt as a joke. that i am faking it. but here it is: everything about it hurts. from the moment i felt that you created a reason for you to get rid of me. i felt it. and i was stupid enough not to anticipate you hurting me badly.

analyzing everything made me realize that being hurt was entirely my fault. i gave you a reason to hurt me. and i gave you permission to hurt me when i let you into my life. the minute i decided to have a walk and a chat with you gave you that permission. plus i was the one who hurt you first, right? if you think that this would entirely help me. that deleting you would entirely help me. yes and no. yes, since i only have to pretend and eventually learn and go back to the old me. me when december was just beggining. me without you in it. you, who will again, be just another face in the crowd. no, because it will be a long journey for me to get used to it. to get used to, again, losing and missing an important person in my life.

this is what's certain: i don't hate you. i only hate what you did.

i was six feet tall. and now i'm barely standing.

i remember a friend of mine giving me a warning to stop writing about this. about you. that you might be reading this right now, and feel ego-swelling proud that i still am like this 50,000,000 seconds after that day i broke down and cried. that i still am chasing the ghost of you. but i shrug it off and said to her that you won't be like that.

this will be the last time i am writing about this, and about you. we might be strangers now but i hope for the best for you. i hope you can work everything out, with your parents and all other things that may hinder you to all your plans. i don't really know anything, but god, i do hope she will not hurt you.

i'll be the one who will be in a sad mode for a while. but i'll be back.