three months away

i've been trying to convince myself for the past 7 days that i am ok. i kinda' lost it during the start of the week. the sadness i feel is just so immense that my body couldn't handle it, resorting to missing 7 meals and not sleeping for 4 straight days. good thing, friday was different because of three things: joy's 1-year-old nephew, brett; chatting with a guy whom i thought i can never had a decent conversation with, and dawson's creek dvds.

kids really have this good effect on me. they really brighten me up. i remember him finding it endearing about me, that i have this soft spot for kids. seeing them smile or just running around is an instant adrenalin rush. i just can't help myself not to say hi, play and talk to them. brett was a bit of a challenge. he had this cute snobbish way of avoiding me, hehe. so i did not give up. persistent me got a hug and a kiss at the end of the day :)

i've spent the past 2 days watching dawson's creek episodes. i'm done with the first season, and will be continuing with episode 15 later. it has been 9 years since the show aired. i remember writing about it because the show was such a big part of me when i was growing up. the dvd's only up to the third season.

may's starting this week. then june will come, and then july. another year will be added to my dear life. it's just weird that every year, i have this ritual of finding a gift for my self. now, i don't really know what i want. sorry if i am being my cynical self again. maybe i had just been wanting one thing for months so badly, and given the things that had happen, i can never really have it. i can never really have it back.

i know i just can't.

in repair

peng's online at this very moment, but i can't really talk to her since her ate's online too. i miss her so much. we haven't talk in ages.

how am i? um. still the same, i guess. i still miss him. i still can't sleep and i barely eat. i guess it's really hard to "suddenly" lose someone, in the context that that person wont treat you the same way. he was one person i could talk to, and i can be honest with that it's hard that things cannot be the same again. we cannot have those long chats that we used to have. i guess i was too attached with him that i was in shock with the suddenness of everything. this will take a while, but i'm survivng every single day.

stupid blabbering

i guess I AM being stupid, blabbering everything here about what i am feeling for everyone to read, for everyone to be annoyed, and for everyone to know that I AM HEARTBROKEN. but let me remind you that this is MY blog, and i can and i will write everything that i please. so if you don't like the things i am "blabbering" here, then i don't really know why you are wasting your energy.

i never name names. i never bashed anyone directly. so i don't really think i am doing anything wrong. unless you are affected.

let me be broken. let me be mad. and let me think things out. the things you are reading here are my everyday thoughts. my everyday struggle. i'm at the point where i am missing people and this is my way of expressing what i feel since they're not really around at the moment the way that i wanted them to be.

so spare me, please. spare me.

going back

i haven't had any decent sleep. i've been like this for days now. my mom was actually worried because she and and my dad noticed that i haven't been myself lately. my mom asked this morning what's causing my anxiety. work, i said.

i'm losing my appetite for chocolates. that's a first. a friend gave me M n M's and a bar of hershey's milk chocolate with almonds last tuesday, i haven't eaten a morsel. i am a chocolate addict. i never had qualms when it comes to chocolates. never. NEVER.

and now i don't even like the smell of it.

i want to go somewhere. somewhere far. somewhere quiet for me to find tranquility.

maybe i should go back to poetry. to poetry and writing letters. letters that i don't even send. i have ten at home. ten unsent letters. ten uncommunicated thoughts on paper.

dumb, stupid love

7 Things I've Learned:

1. All guys are jerks. Do not believe anyone who claims that HE is not a jerk, because in the end, no matter how hard he tries, he will still be, at some point.
   
2. "Impatience" overpowers "I Love You".
   
3. When a guy says that he's not rushing about having a relationship, it means that he really is.
   
4. Guys are afraid to ask questions if their ego's on the line.
   
5. Guard yourself from guys who thinks he can fix everything.
   
6. Love is strongest in the most stupid situations.
   
7. He is not that smart as I thought he would be. Because if he is, then i would not be writing this entry.

happy thoughts

that was what i kept in mind from what sheldon said while saying things to make me feel better.

happy thoughts. think of happy thoughts.

i called him last night and poured my heart out. if only i had unlimited sun load, maybe the talk would've been longer.

it felt like i was going to explode. i wanted to to jump out of the bus and be hit by it last night to completely numb the pain. then i thought of texting people to keep me from doing it. the bus ride from ayala to crossing took only 20 minutes, but last night felt like forever. then sheldon replied "Ok" after asking if i can call him when i get home. it felt nice talking to him. it has been a while since we've had those chats.

"...basag ako." i said when he asked if i was alright. then i continued saying that i wanted to sleep so badly, but i just can't. he asked what happened. i shared my thoughts, then he laughed. i missed that laugh. he said that he was just reminded of his friend who "chose to be sad". sabi nya, wag ko daw gayahin yun. the things happening to me just happens. and he emphasized that "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT", so why waste your time and be "bad trip" about it. then he laughed again. it wasn't an annoying laugh. it was a comforting laugh.

thank you Sheldon.

libis and macie

just had a haircut. it's kinda' cliche, but it did help a bit to get things off my mind for a while. if only haircuts can remove heartaches. but of course it can't.

my brother and i went to libis last night for the odyssey event. too bad we forgot to bring three things: my camera, silent sanctuary's and sponge cola's album. we went to sta. lucia first for hale's mall tour then libis after. soapdish was onstage when we arrived. then to my surprise, silent sanctuary was the next act. they're amazing. last night was the first time i saw them play live. and it definitely won't be the last. we were just in time, because the succeeding acts were our favorites among the night's lineup: itchyworms, sponge cola, hale (again!), chicosci, swissy, paramita, mayonaise, and up dharma down. we've decided not to watch sago and hilera's set since it was already one in the morning.

i was glad to see some old friends i haven't seen "forever" like gracie ("grabe, and tagal na nating 'di nag kita ah. ang payat mo bel!) deekay( sobrang nipis mo naman, bel), joal (o ano nang nangyari sa'yo?!), nikki, anna, xavier and the rest of hale friends. i also had the chance to say hi to ean, swissy, sir toti and armi. all was good.

memories of my old self kept on pouring. first, 5 and Up. last night was macie mendigo. she conquered dyslexia and her essay about it won an award from UNICEF. her inspiring story was my first front page byline for junior inquirer (JI). she was, i think, eleven years old then. it was a big leap for me then when ate nats, my former editor, gave me that assignment and said that it would be for JI's front page. i saw macie earlier that evening while she was taking photos beside the stage. i approached her and asked if she was macie. then i told her that i was the one who interviewed her for the inquirer article. "ang laki laki mo na..." i quipped. then she smiled and said "...oo nga po, ang tagal na po 'non." i asked her to send my regards to her mom for me. she asked if i was still writing for inquirer, i smiled and said not anymore, but was planning to contribute again.

**********

amidst the noise. amidst the familiar faces and the crazy chaos: i am still chasing you in my head. i tried hard to drown myself last night. i really did.

i hope this would be over soon.

laking 5 and Up ako!

zak yuson a.k.a. kool kid eco sent me an IM about this. this really made my day. i was crying while watching it. fate works in mysterious ways. just when i am starting to drown myself to sadness and building insecurities, this reminded me of the person that i was when i was growing up.

this show taught me how to dream. how to dream big. and believe that i, somehow, can achieve it.

alter-ego

Tangina naman e. Sinabi ko naman kasi sa'yo. Ayan ka na naman, bumabalik ka na naman sa dati. Ewan ko ba naman kasi sa'yo, sinabi na kasi sayo dati ng nanay mo na tumapak ka lang sa lupa, eh ewan ko ba naman sa'yo kung bakit kung ano-ano ang pumapasok dyan sa utak mo. Hindi ka na naman kumain kagabi. Bakit ba kasi lagi ka na lang ganyan! Eh wala naman silang alam. Lagi mo kasing inaakala na alam nila ang lahat. Eh hindi nga eh! Kaya wala ka nang magagawa, hindi nga nila makukuha ang gusto mong iparating sa hindi mo lang pag kain nang hapunan, tanghalian o hindi pag-kain kailan man. Hindi nila maiintindihan na hindi maganda ang naging takbo ng araw mo at pagod ka sa byahe. Parusa kamo? Parusa mo kamo ang hindi pag kain dahil sa mga katangahan na naman na ginawa mo? Pwede ba? Mag isip ka na lang ng ibang paraan. Alam ko basag ka ngayon, pero lagi na lang ba na ganyan ang gagawin mo sa sarili mo!!

Kabilin-bilinan ko naman kasi sa'yo, tama na eh. Masyado mo nang pinapahirapan ang sarili mo. Galingan mo naman kasi. Kaya mo naman eh, natatakot ka lang. Natatakot ka lang mag-kamali. Alalahanin mo, wala ka na sa dati mong mundo, tapos natatakot ka pa rin?! Iniisip mo kasi lagi na kahit anong pag pupursige ang gawin mo, e wala pa rin. Tangina naman! Ano ba? Tama na nga yan! Kaya mo yan, ano ba! Basta ulit-ulitin mo lang sa sarili mo na kaya mo. Lagi mo na lang kinakaawaan ang sarili mo, kaya lagi, ang akala mo, hindi mo kaya! Hindi ka ba napapagod! Ano ka ba?! Alam ko andyan lang yung dating ikaw. Natatakot ka lang! Gumagawa ka na naman ng sarili mong multo.

Ang tagal mong pinatibay pader mo. Pader na hindi naman kailangan. Ang hina mo naman kasi! Sa susunod kasi, hanggang tarangkahan na lang sila. Hayaan mo lang silang mag punas ng paa sa trapo, tapos hanggang dun lang sila sa pintuan. May pahanda-handa ka pang nalalaman dyan. Ayan, oo nga handa ka na. Handang-handa at sigurado ka na. Pero anong nangyari? Ewan ko ba naman kasi sa'yo. Alisin mo na kasi yang kung ano man 'yan. Sapat na yung nasabi mo sa kanya lahat, at nag-tiwala ka. Oo, alam ko, nagtitiwala ka na nga sa kanya ngayon ng buo, pero syempre, gwardyahan mo rin ang sarili mo. Hindi naman mali 'yon. Bugbog na ang puso mo buong buhay mo eh.

Kaya tama na ha. Maging masaya ka na lang para sa kanilang lahat. Hindi naman mahirap 'yun eh. Natuturuan naman ang sarili. Kasi kapag bumalik ka na naman sa dati, hindi talaga ako mag aatubiling sermonan ka ulit! Magsimula ka na ngayon. Mahalin mo naman ang sarili mo.

Huwag ka nang magalit sa sarili mo.

numbly picking up the pieces

Love... It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...

You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

- Rose Walker, in Sandman: The Kindly Ones

bisita iglesia

ang tatlo kong boyfriend

Tatlo sila. Oo, tatlo. Nakilala ko sila noong isang taon. Hindi ko rin akalain na magiging tatlo sila sa buhay ko.

Si Matt, ang pinaka kalog sa tatlo. Sa lahat ng oras na kasama ko sya, laging may naiiwang ngiti sa aking mukha. Laging masaya ang sandali pag humirit na sya ng kwento.

Si Kiko naman, mahilig tumula. Tahimik at parang laging malalim ang iniisip. Pero wag ka! Ilang sandali lang, nakakagawa na sya ng makabagbag damdamin at kakilig kilig na tula. Kaya nga ang paborito naming gawin ay gumawa ng dugtong-dugtong na mga linya ng aming mga damdamin at opinyon sa aking pulang notebook.

Mahilig namang tumugtog ng gitara si Red. Mula sa mga maiingay na kanta ng Slapshock hanggang sa mga makalaglag pangang mga love songs, kaya nyang tugtugin. Madalas nga niyang tugtugin ang paborito kong kanta na minsan ay kung maipilit ay pakakantahin ako kasabay nya.

Valentine's Day nang una ko silang nakilala. Si Matt, Kiko at Red ay miyembro ng isang banda na tumugtong sa Valentine's party sa aming unibersidad. Naalala ko pa kung paano nila ako kinantiyawan sa aking pag-sasalita bilang host ng party.

"Baduy pala ha...", sabi ko sa sarili ko.

Naalala ko pa noong una silang dumalaw sa bahay. Todo linis pa ako. Sinarapan ko pa ang luto kong sinigang na baboy para lang sa kanila.

"Mas masarap mag luto si Ann," pabirong sambit ni Matt. Pero tuloy pa rin ang pag kuha ng kanin at halos mag-lawa na ang pinggan sa dami ng sabaw. Maghapon silang naglalagi sa bahay at walang humpay na nakikinig ng mga tugtog sa dala nilang MP3. Maghapong nakaupo at pinagmamasdan ang bawat kilos ko na hindi nag papahalata pag sila ay naaliw sa pag hihintay kung ilang baso o pinggan ang aking mababasag.

Tuwing linggo, kumakain kami ng tapsilog sa paborito naming karinderiya ilang kanto lang layo sa mula sa simbahan. Masarap na sawsawang pinag-halong ketsup at toyo, solve na ang kain namin.

"Birthday ni Janet 'tol, ano ba ang magandang regalo?" tanong ni Kiko. Sabi ko naman, libro na lang kasi mahilig namang mag-basa si Janet.

Ako ata ang laging tsampiyon sa Scrabble!

Nakakunot ang mga noo nila. Hindi ko minsan malaman kung nag-iisip silan ng magandang tira o ako ang nasa isip nila sa panakaw na tingin na nahuhuli ko mula sa kanila.

"Over yan ha...", sabi ko nang biglang mag-ring ng malakas ang cell ni Red.

"Bye pa-cute, love you" ang malabing na sabi ni Red at sabay ngiti sa pag-tira ng GRACE sa scrabble.

Isang taon ng pag kakaibigan, isang taon na napatunayan kong sila'y andyan. Valentine's Day na naman. Isang taon na sila sa buhay ko.

Hindi man para sa akin ang mga tula ni Kiko, ang mga ngiti ni Matt at ang mga kanta ni Red, alam ko isa ako sa pinaka espesyal na babae sa buhay nila. Kasama kong iiyak, tatawa, kakain ng tapsilog at lagi kong matatalo sa scrabble (hehe). Alam ko mahal 'din ako...

ng tatlo kong boyfriend.

*published Feb 2004 Lifestyle section, The Manila East Watch

say ok

i just love the feel of this song. there's no complications with it's lyrics. it's too pop, but what the heck! i just love the way i feel whenever i listen to it :)