What a week. Toughest to date. It has been three weeks of constant roller-coaster ride where I am always stuck upside down. If emotions had their switches, mine would always be turned off.
I read John Mayer's latest blog entry this morning and it seemed that he's also going through the same things as I am when it comes to how people see him.
"What now, then? I can only really say for myself: Enjoy who I am, the talents and the liabilities. Stop acting careless. In fact, care more. Be vulnerable but stay away from where it hurts. Read. See more shows. Of any kind. Rock shows, art shows, boat shows. Create more art. Wear hoodies to dinner. Carry a notebook and hand it to people when they passionately recommend something and ask them to write it down for me."
At this point, I am most vulnerable. But where it hurts is the only place I have to be in. Because where I am now is where I will learn the most. I am only sure about two things. One is writing. It's the only thing I know that I can do and can be good at. I know I am expected to be perfect. I will be perfect. Just give me time.
"Act nervous when I'm nervous, puzzled when I don't know what the hell to do, and smile when it all goes my way. And never in any other order than that. "
The past two weeks had also been a time for me to reflect about things. Things that matter and things that I am sure of. Everything hurts, but it's the only place that I need to be in. It'll spoil the moment if I say something now, but believe it or not, I've had this for five long years. I have never been sure and honest about anything in my entire life. I tried my hardest to forget about it. About this. But I will just be lying if I did. I guess honesty and being honest with yourself pays a big price. I don't really know if I'll had the chance to let this out but I am willing to wait, even if there's nothing to wait for.